Updated: Sep 29, 2020
This has been in the making now for several years. I kept saying that I want to start a blog and write my musings and journey of self discovery, but I just never got around to it. Fear of being judged for exposing my inner self held me back. It takes me ages to open up to people who I love and care about, how am I supposed to do it on a platform that exposes me to the entire internet?
I am taking the step though, because I think it's important. I imagine that many people have a hard time opening up, and more so protect their innermost thoughts and small desires of their hearts because of the fear of those thoughts and desires to be mocked or belittled. Maybe by documenting my journey of exploring my inner self and finding the wild spiritual side of me will help someone else take that step.
Fear holds us back from so many things. I like to think that I am fearless in some ways. I am the first person up for an adventure, I'll rarely turn down a new experience, and I am probably one of the most adventurist eaters out there. I love to meet new people and learn about different cultures and lifestyles. I will never let an injustice happen without speaking up, and I have no fear in telling someone off for bigoted or racist behavior. For that matter, I have little fear speaking my mind on world topics and I will argue beyond my last breath for something I believe and support.
In reality, I am probably more fearful and cautious than most people. While I love to speak and share ideas with a variety of people, I keep so many things locked away and to myself. It takes me forever to trust someone and I rely heavily on my intuition before I even decide to take that step to consider getting close to them. And after that, the person is unknowingly going through a difficult obstacle course before I unlock the next in the series of doors close to me innermost self. The first sign of a red flag, I lock that door and the rest of them tight and retreat like a gazelle. And this is just with friendships, with romantic relationships it's a whole other set of locks and doors, but those doors are in the deep ocean in a cave guarded by the Kraken.
Despite all that, I love fiercely and deeply. The people that did manage to get through the difficult obstacle courses to unlock the many doors to my heart are ones I cherish and love. I will give them anything I own if it means their happiness is attainable. In return, I am surrounded by some of the best people that ever walked the Earth who I admire more than anyone. I suppose in a way my cautious method akin to a deer that runs at the sound of any out of place leaf rustling worked because I managed to weed out a lot of toxic people.
I wish that my initial approach to a relationship with anyone wasn't so heavily veiled in suspicion and assuming the worst in people. I want to believe that majority of people are good if not a little lost, and I think I did at one point, but past experiences changed my outlook. I hope I can change that back though. I want to be so sure of myself and so confident in my steps that I don't worry as much about what someone might do to me and focus on the good that might come out of meeting them. I wish that I didn't look at the world as something to be overly cautious or fearful about but rather as something to step into with anticipation and joy, shedding the layers that hurt and loss that weighed me down in order to take the risks I know I need to take in order to find my happiness.
A big part of this journey will be me exploring my spirituality. I had always been deeply spiritual and often looked for my place in a faith or practice. I tried many, and none fit until I started researching mythology for a book I'm writing, which lead me to paganism. So many things started to feel right in a way that didn't with other practices, and slowly I felt myself blossom. Realizing my place in the world through the ancient ways has given me a sort of push to explore that side of me.
My first step to those changes will be here, on this anonymous blog that will become a personal documentation to all the steps and experiences I need to attain my happiness. I will step barefoot into this new journey, baring my heart and keeping myself on an honest path. With a little bit of luck and pixie dust (couldn't resist, sorry not sorry) this blog will give me a chance to explore all sides of this journey, and maybe give someone out there who can relate a bit of comfort. Despite this vast world, you are not alone in your journey.